less and less

I think of you
less and less
as the days go by.

I never thought
I could
or would

let go.

But then you do.

The energy recirculates;
it's still there
a rich dollop of 100 % whipping cream
on top of my heart
melting in
fully absorbed
then given right out to the world
once again.

Love and love and love
give the light
let it radiate
dissipate
hate.

Recharge
as the world spins
round and round
with a thought,
a name
feeling it all again and again.

Love is there
Love is everywhere

I miss you
kiss you
dismiss you

miss you

Working on Christmas

At the ticket window
on our Christmas "family ski vacations"
dad would ask,
"Now, how many pizzas is that?"
as he shelled out several hundred dollar bills from his worn leather wallet.

We were perplexed,
$500 for a day of skiing,
not to mention all the gear,
the accommodations,
the meals

and then presents
from Santa
all around the tree.

How many pizzas is that, I would wonder.
Never too good at math, I tried to count
how many pizzas my dad had to sell
at his shop
to let me ride that lift way up in the sky,
to taste snowflakes on my lips
to marvel at all the different shapes fallling on my gloves?

"No two snowflakes are the same," my mom would tell me.
"Wow," I thought telling her I felt like I was flying through the sky
on a cloud.
The chair lift,
when you're eight, from Southern California
on a "family ski vacation",
is the shit.

Still is.

Now, I live in the snow,
in one of those fancy, fun ski resorts
filled with beautiful people
and so many cute lift operators from all over the world.
There are dozens of chairlifts outside my door
and I still enjoy the ride,
but not at Christmas.
The tables have turned these days;
I toil
during the holidays
earning my rations while the "other half" enjoys their
picture perfect "family ski vacation".

How many pizzas does it take nowadays,
twenty years later,
to ski at Christmas?

They could cover the mountain,
pepperoni and cheese.

It would take a million pizzas to ski Aspen at Christmas!

It's a complete ripoff,
I think.

But then this lady smiles,
as she pays me $150 for her apres ski massage,
and tells me
she has never has so much fun
spending time with her kids
and they don't fight
because they are so
enamoured with the scene,

the snowflakes.

No two are the same.

Somebody's got to work on Christmas,
or who would run the lifts
so all the kids from the lowlands
could feel like they're floating through the sky

on a cloud.

Here you are

Reaching out is a sickness,
a plea
when all you really need

mostly

is
to sit

and listen.

Feelings

Don't let them settle
into all those piles
of stuff
lying around.

Instead
let them live
in your heart,

always.

Solstice

The shortest day of the year
made her mark tonight,
proving she is strong.

Although she is starting to relinquish control,
turning dark to light as winter softens
it’s ice cold grip.

But not tonight.
Not yet.

Tonight the full moon is turning the sky pink and blue.
The sun has just set.

Spinning like a frozen top.

The sky is H U G E .

Every distant peak is glowing
as bright as the blue moon.

Alpinglow all around.

Well below sanity
to be outside
walking with dogs
across Castle Creek Bridge
hearing the water trickle a hundred feet below
remembering the raging spring
when you rode that water
in days that lasted well into night,
paddling til eight.

Today is the shortest day.

It’s getting dark
at five o’clock.
But she’s letting go.

Letting go,

but still freezing to the bone.

She won’t let it go that easy.
It’s still a long time til spring.
And a lot of skiing to be done,
before you ride the raging water again.

Patience
Scarfs
Boots
Mittens
Totties

Alpinglow


The shortest day sinks in as the the light fades.



It is night.

Thursday

It was a Thursday when we decided we wanted to go deeper.

It's been seven years since we met
less time since we had sex
less time since we fell
completely
in love,
made love,
even less time since we got married
and
plunged deep into the sea,
we thought.
But we started floating up pretty quick,
it's hard to hold a body down
in the depths
when forces keep tugging you
apart.
We thought about it,
and talked about it,
looking into each other’s eyes
hardly even knowing each other,
really,

after seven years.

After we decided we should:

grow up
get real
get out
of a storage unit
of a camper van
of the living on the road, my friend...
And get into
a town
a community
paying taxes
dues
speaking out
taking out the trash
and
talking to the neighbors
even when you don’t want to,
when you want to be
completely alone.

It’s been seven years since we met.
In seven years every cell in the human body is replaced,
science tells us,
changing your mind,
your body,
your soul,
maybe.

So, tonight,
we are two different people here.

Completely.

We can feel it.

And we get excited by each other
once again,
looking in those familiar eyes
deciding tonight
it’s time to go deeper.

It is thrilling to discover something so close
so tangible
so "in your face"
that you’ve been searching for all over the world
in other people’s eyes
in your work
friends
dreams
fantasies.

It's surprising.
Shocking.

Smiling now.
Thinking,
"Wow, I feel like I haven’t seen you for years."

Saddened then,

realizing we’ve been living in a shallow wet land of love and life
when there is a great blue ocean
to explore
together.

Dive deep.

"I see you now," he says.

And everything changes, again.

Ask me why?

You’ve got to believe in it
find passion in it
love it.

This is your life,
your work.

You’ve got to believe
in what you do.

Because one life is not enough;

one thousand lifetimes is not enough

if you love what you do.

Ask me why?